As a passionate person, I love fighting for a just cause, especially when my strong sense of justice takes over and delivers eloquent dialogue on a topic I’m furious about. I even enjoy that passion when I’m feeling sad and the emotions boil over so I’m dramatically crying in a puddle on the floor, I’m still boosted by those strong feelings.

 

I haven’t always directed that passion in the best way and it has often been turned against people around me in the form of unnecessary arguments or, when it gets too much, numbing it with alcohol and food. I now choose to use it to fight for more compassion and collaboration in the world.

 

Growing up in the 80’s and 90’s the expectation was that you went to school, followed by college, uni or a first rung job. Then you’d follow the same career path for the rest of your life.

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Like many others I’m sure, my life didn’t take this exact route.

 

I only remember flashes of my childhood, many of which are impulsive moments which felt as if they came out of me like a volcano:

💥 The time I decided to play with the car cigarette lighter. I knew I wasn’t allowed to play with it, I knew it would be hot, but I just wanted to play with it.

💥 The time I decided that I didn’t want to keep walking around the supermarket and actually just wanted to sit and eat some crisps. So I threw a tantrum.

💥 Waking my younger sister up every year to come and see what Father Christmas had left us downstairs because I was so excited, I couldn’t stay in bed any longer.

💥 The times I’ve thrown out a sarcastic comment or answered back at teachers, parents and other adults.

💥 Eating all the apple toffee my babysitter brought round while we watched The Princess Bride because it was so good I didn’t feel like I could stop.

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As a teenager, my life was defined by feeling decidedly different and unmotivated by the things I was “supposed” to be doing:

💥 Why are people laughing when I’m answering a question they asked me?

💥 I didn’t know I was supposed to be shaving my legs or that they were hairy. They just grew that way (followed by using my dad’s old-fashioned safety razor and sliding it up my shin bone. Although it didn’t hurt, it bled for hours).

💥 I can tell that something in my behaviour or what I just said was not correct, but I don’t know what it was and no-one ever explains.

💥 The times I decided to move my entire bedroom around and got bored halfway through, leaving an untidy pile that I can’t be bothered to finish.

💥 Constant imagined conversations, arguments and entire relationships in my head.

💥 When will I be using x and y equations in real life?

💥 I know I’m supposed to be revising but my eyes are just sliding across the page and taking nothing in.

💥 What is going on here?

 

At 18 I knew there was something going on in my head, but with no Google at the time I didn’t know what. I went to my doctor for some answers, who just told me I needed to get a boyfriend. Ten years later when I was experiencing frequent panic attacks on my commute to work I went to see a new doctor who prescribed me antidepressants, which helped me to regain some stability.

 

I spent most of my adult life drinking to feel more sociable and lead a ‘normal’ lifestyle, but often spend days afterwards in total fear and anxiety, not realising at the time the cause and effect.

 

In adulthood, I often experienced huge swings between :

💥 The joy of alcohol for finding my confidence and having an amazing time out.

💥 Crippling anxiety when I had morning-after flashes of excruciating shame for my behaviour or words while I’d been drinking.

💥 Feeling confused and misunderstood, particularly when trying to adapt to situations that I couldn’t understand and made me really uncomfortable.

💥 Trying to keep a lid on my too-sensitive emotions and passions, all while feeling like I was ready to explode at any moment.

💥 Not being able to find the motivation to start, continue or finish tasks that made no sense to me or weren’t exciting so continuously leaving things until the last minute or completely forgetting about them.

 

The last 5 years have been dedicated to finding ways of making an impact on the world by improving our cultural situation. After working for 16 years in IT for the NHS, I found some fulfilment helping others solve problems, but it didn’t quite hit the spot.

 

There was always the undercurrent of trying to think of ways to improve the profoundly unjust situation of chronic underfunding combined with over-saturation of demand for services. I eventually had to leave because I couldn’t find a way of resolving this besides shouting about how insane it was.

 

When I found coaching, I started understanding myself better and being kinder in the moments of chaos. I still felt different, but I had found some people who were more compassionate and kinder so it was easier to feel included.

 

After I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and having had confirmation of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), I found the knowledge that had been missing. Learning about how my brain works has been life-changing and bringing this knowledge to my clients is life-changing for them too.

 

I am now more compassionate with myself and others, as well as finding and creating systems that actually work for me and my brain. It’s difficult to unlearn completely all the stories and beliefs you pick up across your life, but acknowledging them and knowing they can be changed is reassuring when life feels disheartening.

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I'm now on a mission to help organisations develop ways of supporting their neurodivergent staff with compassion.